...Rocking the Casbah

So our intrepid faux reporter is here.....sitting on a bench in front of the internet whorehouse. They’re meant to open at 10!!!! It’s now 10:20 and i have to share my bench with pretentious newspaper guy...he’s 20% too crinkly. I will curse the Chinese internet people with a plague of biblical proportions. I’ve always been rather fond of locusts.  *shakes fist dramatically* Patience is something I am yet to learn, you may have noticed.

Its been awhile since i last posted. I havnt been able to write lately because of attention problems and even if i could my internet is made of fail. Lots of new developments since i last posted including- med changes, psychologist arguments... followed by changes, new dx, rx *mutters* im about fed up with the whole thing. Atleast my sketching is going well. Ive started some prelim sketches for T-Shirt designs. Its occupying my time and some of my mind.

I hope in the future to be able to post here more reguarly, I might have to use my iPhone's 3G internet but im sure it will work out. 

Hope all is well out there in the ethernet

~Courtney Out~

iList

I drink absinthe
I enjoy sketching
I hate people who talk in the theatre
I support narcissism in the work place
I love dancing in the rain
I wish i was stronger
I believe nothing is the way it seems
I watch people and make up stories for their lives
I swear i had nothing to do with it...i have an alibi...IM INNOCENT DAMMIT!!
I read too much
I quote everyone
I refer to in jokes about Bill Bailey to much
I live occasionally
I don’t like beans
I caught a cold
I am mildly cold?
I turned twenty
I have an iPhone
I adore a guy
I would love to go to Paris
I spend way to much time alone
I drink alot of apple juice
I geocache whenever I can
I let others think i trust them
I have an itchy nose
I listen to alot of music
I obsess over everything
I sometimes eat only the tops of muffins
I make really good cake
I tell no secrets and keep no lies...wait a minute
I think alot



I got bored....hence this post :P


Courtney

Game Time

So much for trying to stay positive.........Auditory hallucinations have kicked into overdrive. So many voices all wanting to be heard but none of them listening when i say stop. Its tearing me apart. Im still at a friends house and i know if i go home i wont be safe... im not even safe in my own head. Maybe itll get better by tomorrow.

Courtney

Anxiety

Im home alone until tuesday. I thought that id enjoy this, having space being able to do what i want for a few days. In reality its shot up my paranoia and anxiety. Any noise i hear in the house is now unable to be attributed to somebody i know and becomes a predator or something dragged from the depths of my imagination. (just now heard a noise which provoked me to lock all the doors and windows)

Two nights ago i was reduced to practically rocking in the corner whimpering. Im 19 turning 20 in two weeks.  I cant look forward to a cure for this, i cant get better. What i have is degenerative. This gets worse...I cant even IMAGINE worse. Sorry this is a whiny post but I'm not capable of writing anything else at the moment. 

Im thinking things that i shouldn't be, things that arn't 'safe' for me to be thinking. Things that friends have considered calling police and ambulance because of. What sort of future do i have if im afraid of my own shadow, afraid to leave the house, afraid of people. Im barely past being a teenager and im being told I have to accept this. To be honest i dont know if i can or if i want to.

Courtney

Emotional Explosion

Right, so today has been filled with every possibly emotion possible. They've even occurred simultaneously and without trigger. Its exhausting and as productive as ive been today i don't view it as such.  I'm really hoping i can get this under control by saturday. Short post...Short attention span...

(and i forgot to actually post this...its sat on my screen for 12 hours)

Courtney

Hypnotism.... o.O

So last week, went to my psychologist and we hit a block..quite a substantial one. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and the way he wants to approach this is to talk about the incidents that caused this. BUT i cant..i cant even form the words in my head to describe what happened. Which im sure is quite a common thing with PTSD (i hope). So my psychologist (who has the slightly odd appearance of hannibal lecter) suggested we try hypnotism.

I was skeptic at first when my thoughts turned to classic 'when i clap my hands you are a chicken' moments. Then after contemplating it and having it explained to me. I realised that it wasnt like that and was more a form of deep relaxation then anything else. Unfortunately my thoughts then turned to what he wanted me to say when in this state of relaxation and he chose to tell me that the last person he did this with broke his chair and glass wall O.o in a fit of panic. Because they were actually 'reliving' the events.

Perhaps this wasnt the best thing to tell me to get me to agree. Although i did infact make some noise of assent that i would try this. Im still not sure i want to. NOW not because i think its a farce, but because i think it will work to well. I dont want to ever lose control of anything in my life again, and if this method is used to help me speak about what happened. I think i will only be able to see it as coercion and trickery (...wow i sound paranoid). 

Atleast i have another week to stress and fret ....err i mean contemplate and review my answer. I think I will atleast give it a try. I want to start getting over this, but I really dont know what my reaction to being made to speak about and relive this will be. But the more steps i take towards being safe and more balanced the less medication ill need (hopefully). 

So if after next week i become a mindless chicken zombie, do us all a favour and snap your fingers...works like a charm :P

                                                   Courtney

Afraid of the Dark

I live with Schizo-Affective disorder, and an aspect of that manifests in depression. Lately ive noticed that i get alot worse at night. Not just when i have nothing to do, but as soon as the sun goes down. Im on high doses of both an Anti-Psychotic and a mood stabilizer but ive been taken off all anti-depressants. Which at the time i was really happy about because the side effects wern't really something i enjoyed. But since ceasing them ive noticed that my depressive episodes have become very nocturnal and have worsened in both duration and severity. At first I put this down to the backlash of coming off of the Zoloft but its continued and escalated after 2 months. 

Ive tried to adjust my sleeping patterns, that hasnt helped. Ive been active during the night, occupying myself with sketching, cleaning, writing, anything really. Nothing improves my mood, and i manage to have feelings of isolation even when im in a room full of people. These feelings of isolation and depression have grown to the point where every night i have feelings of self harm or worse. I dont even feel safe with myself anymore.

Everynight, im afraid of the oncoming darkness both outside and in my head. Ive started avoiding sleep more and the sleep i get is plagued with nightmares. This triggers another aspect of Schizo-Affective. Because when im tired the auditory and visual  hallucinations which plague me become so much worse. Which in turn, worsens the depression and puts me in a place that really isnt safe, which causes me to avoid sleep and dread the darkness even more.

I dont want to go back on the anti-depressants i take a total of 12 tablets a day as it is..i dont want to add any to that list. If anyone has any suggestions of ways to cope, or deal with this, without resorting back to medication id be really grateful.

                                                                                                  Courtney

Debut into the world of Blogging

So I've finally gone through with it and started a blog. Whether or not I stick with this or consign it to the scrap heap like so much else I've begun, remains to be seen. This feels odd, its been so long since I've written anything longer then a Twitter post (my life in 140 characters). Hopefully I can make something of this that I'm satisfied with.

I thought I'd start this blog to give people an insight into the anarchy that is my life on a day to day basis (ok and to whine and complain about things that go on). It also gives me a chance to reflect back on things. I also hope that it will in the very least give people a better understanding of the mental disorders that I live with and how i cope with them (or dont on some days). 

We'll see what happens.